Becoming a Leader Everyone Looks Up To and Changes Others

When I think about being a leader I like to think about the quote, "The true leader is the one who can make the people around him, even the most regular, achieve extraordinary things." This quote resonates with me because anyone can give people orders, but true leadership is about inspiration and transformation.

A book I base my foundation for leadership values on is a book written by Dale Carnegie named, "How to Win Friends & Influence People." The book was published in 1936 yet is still applicable in today's society and workflow. I will be focusing on the last section of the book about changing people without offending or creating resentment. The phrase "people work for people" is highly applicable and a key value I believe in and it starts by creating a work relationship with your associates.

If you Must Find Fault, This is the Way to Begin

Nobody wants to hear unpleasant things about things we did. The best way to digest it, is by hearing some praise of our good points first. Imagine you have an employee who is holding up operations because he's doing his job slowly. Do we go over and criticize him and tell him how he's holding everybody else's job up. Of course not. Instead we analyze what's slowing him down then giving sincere appreciation of how he's doing great in his other aspects in her job. Then we can review with him another method in what's slowing him down. In the moment when you came up to him he would've been anxious and nervous about the scolding he's about to get. But once you start complimenting and appreciating the hard work he does it becomes easier to review what was going wrong. Most people aren't intentionally slowing down your operations and when you punish them like if they are it might lead to them building resentment, and in turn intentionally slowing down.

How to Criticize and Not Be Hated for It

In this chapter Carnegie highlights how being directly critical of someone can cause resentment. Therefore Carnegie advises to call people's mistakes indirectly. He recounts a story of a man who his employees would smoke in a no smoking zone. Did the boss tell them they would be fired if they kept smoking there? No! Instead he handed them a pack of cigarettes and asked them if they would do him a favor and enjoy them outside. Both the employees and boss knew the employees were at fault. So what was the point in telling them that?

John Wanamaker also used the same technique as well. He also chose to demonstrate what he wanted rather than to verbally criticize his employees. He does acknowledge though at times it does warrant a more direct approach. Although he does advise to stay away from using the word "but". Last section we discussed the last point about giving honest appreciation and praise first, but a common misconception is to give that and follow up with a "but". This is not the right way of doing this. This because the "but" illustrates that the original praise, no matter how sincere, was just an attempt to lead-in to what you really wanted to say.

Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

By initially opening about your own faults in their similar situation, it is a lot easier to take in criticism. This first comes by analyzing their situation and recognizing that they are much different than you are. With different experience levels, home environment, and problems. Carnegie recounts a story when his niece was nineteen out of high school and preparing to be his secretary. Carnegie was highly critical at first, then he started to contemplate how he was at the age nineteen. Not only that but see how she was in her career with no business experience. It was hard to be so critical when she was very far different than a man who was in his 40s who had already experienced so much.

No One Likes to Take Orders

Whenever your boss gives you a direct order that you don't agree with and there's absolutely no wiggle room, how does it feel? Not great, right? It makes it feel you have no voice, no importance, and kills your confidence. Owen D. Young, the founder of RCA, is someone known for not giving direct orders. Instead he gave suggestions. For example he wouldn't say, "Do this or do that," or "Don't do this or don't do that." He would say, "You might consider this," or "Do you think that would work?" If he were to look over his assistant's work, he would say, "Maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better." This gives the opportunity for people to find and correct their own mistakes. The takeaway is to ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Let the Other Person Save Face

When we criticize or disagree with someone, no matter how wrong they are, we destroy their ego by making them lose face. "I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime" said by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. We are so quick to criticize because it's so easy, that we forget to save face. Even a word or two of appreciation can make all the difference to save another person's ego.

How to Spur People On to Success

People love genuine compliments, not general flattery. When you compliment someone's work instead of saying something general like, "great job". Saying something specific about their work that made it great. The best way to give out compliments like these is for them to come straight from the heart. People know when they did a great job and would love to be recognized for it. "Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement."

Give a Dog a Good Name

When we give a person a bad reputation they will live up to that reputation. Labeling someone as a "troublemaker" or "delinquent", and they will surely live up to that reputation. Instead find a great quality about that person and give the person that reputation to live up to. Even if they don't have the quality, assume the virtue, and have the other party know they have the virtue that you have them to develop. Having faith in someone will work much more effectively in not only getting them to do what you want, but in a way that doesn't arouse resentment or give offense.

Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct

When faced with a problem, it may seem overwhelming to overcome. This can't be avoided by presenting the problem differently. Imagine telling your child, spouse, or your employee that they are bad at a certain thing, have no gift for it, and are doing it completely wrong. It will destroy any incentive to try to improve because they feel as if they have to start from square one or employ major change. Instead you can assure them on the things they are doing right and start incrementally, giving them small goals. Use encouragement to help others improve and make the faults seem easy to correct.

Make People Glad to Do What You Want

If you want someone to do something for you, make it benefit them in some way. There are three options, recognition, appreciation, or a reward for their cooperation. If you tell someone that if you do what they tell them, your bonus will be bigger. It doesn't generate any incentive towards them. On the other hand giving them something as mentioned will give them something to look forward to. If you want your child to perform chores, give them a dollar for each they do, and take a way one for each one they don't do.